Establishing Boundaries

Boundaries

In 2021 we have made an agreement not to deal with any nonsense from anyone. We are owning our power and being the one in control of the things we can control in our lives. We are taking as much joy from life as we can.  

One of the biggest challenges womxn face is establishing and maintaining boundaries. Boundaries explain to people how you expect to be treated. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill you can build over time. Don’t worry, if you currently have no established boundaries it is not too late for you.

We are so accustomed to doing everything and playing so many roles for different people that it can feel like we are doing something incredibly wrong when we finally set some boundaries. However, I want you to know right now – there is nothing wrong with it. In fact, knowing and understanding your limits makes it easier to achieve your goals and leads to better quality relationships.

Setting these boundaries will encourage healthy relationships as well as protecting your mental health and avoid burnout. This will allow you to be the best version of you and allow you to be your best for everyone else as well.

You must learn to be honest about your capabilities and time. Setting boundaries begins with self-awareness.  We cannot accept every client, every business opportunity, or every social opportunity. Time is limited. Last week we created our schedules, so now you should have a better idea of what time you have available for other people.

Now there are opportunities you will not want to miss even if you are not sure how you will make it work. When you get that feeling you will know, and I encourage you to always listen to that voice. But don’t accept every opportunity just because you think you should, or you feel like you will be letting someone else down if you don’t. Life is short and you should spend it on things that set your soul on fire – not things that you feel obligation to do.

What are your limits?

Before you can tell anyone else what your limitations are you must know what they are yourself. Boundaries can and should be set in many areas. Some categories are: physical, emotional, intellectual, time and material, and spiritual. As things come up in life that make you uncomfortable then you can set the appropriate boundaries and communicate them.

Physical boundaries are boundaries regarding your body, privacy, and personal space. For example, when you are at the store and people get extremely close, it is okay to ask them to move. If you hate people trying to hug you say so! Your body is just that YOURS, so do not be afraid to tell people what makes you uncomfortable. If someone at the grocery store refuses to social distance ask them politely, get one of those pool noodle hats, or fake cough (just kidding) until people respect you.

Emotional boundaries refer to your feelings. In relationships (romantic, familial, or friends) it is important to know and be able to explain what your emotional boundaries are. If you do not have clear boundaries, then you may start taking on the emotions of those around you. Additionally, explaining to people how you want them to deal with you sharing your emotions are important. For example, if you just want to vent, then you can preface the conversation in a way that allows you to do so. This will eliminate the chance that people will try to offer solutions to your problem.

Another example of an emotional boundary is teaching people to ask you if you have space for the conversation they wish to have. Many people like to dump their problems on others without first asking and it can be incredibly draining. Teaching people this boundary will eliminate this problem. If there is someone who does this often then I would tell them that you would appreciate them asking you if you have space to hear their problems before they begin spilling them.

Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, values, and opinions. This has been an incredibly touchy area as of late because this is the category in which political beliefs fall. Do not be afraid to set boundaries regarding what you are willing to talk about. Just because someone attempts to begin a conversation with you does not mean you have to engage. It is okay, and sometimes incredibly necessary, to explain that the conversation is not beneficial for your relationship and you would prefer not to talk about certain subjects.

Time and material boundaries refer to boundaries regarding your time and your physical possessions including money. If you are a businessperson these boundaries are incredibly important to have in place, without them your job can become your life, or you can end up giving away too much for free. This is when the schedule we talked about in the beginning becomes important. You need to know what amount of time you have to give to clients, family, friends, and yourself. I suggest having set hours you are available to clients and times when you are clocked out. No one can maintain a 24/7 schedule without getting burnt out. This applies to being physically available and available for any type of communication. I have witnessed way too many womxn have all of their time stolen from them because they feel as if they have to answer messages all the time. You do not have to do that. Imagine you are the CEO (because you are) and behave accordingly. No one feels like they should be able to text the owner of Prada ever, but definitely not at 10pm on a Sunday night. Your customers or clients should not feel as if they can either.

You can establish this boundary very easily by not answering calls and messages about business outside business owners. When you receive a message at 10 pm on Sunday night wait to answer until Monday morning when you are open for business and kindly explain that you are answering now that you are back in the office or store (even if the office is your desk in your bedroom). If the message was on a personal account or number you can simply respond that business concerns need to go through specific channels due to business policies, or bookkeeping procedures. This is a great way to establish these boundaries without hurting anyone’s feelings.

This category also covers money. It is equally as important to ensure you are paid an appropriate wage for your time. Set your minimum payment amount and charge it to EVERYONE. Do not make exceptions just because people are friends or family. Do not make exceptions because you are suddenly doubting your worth. You need to make a living from your business.

If you work for someone else, you need to set boundaries with your employer as well. In the past when I worked for other people, I have seen coworkers accept calls at all hours of the day and night. Whereas I had established that I would not answer these calls, and therefore didn’t receive them. People will take as much as they can, and we cannot blame them if we never told them that it bothers us.

Spiritual boundaries may be boundaries you set for yourself based on your religion or boundaries you set with others regarding your willingness to discuss your spirituality or share your practice. Depending on your religion there will be certain days in which you are unavailable, and you will need to explain to people that you are unavailable but shouldn’t feel compelled to explain further unless you are comfortable doing so. This section also includes telling people not to touch your possessions if it makes you uncomfortable. Often spiritual objects are off limits, but for some reason everyone who sees them wants to touch them.

How do you communicate your boundaries?

How you communicate your boundaries is incredibly important. If people do not understand what your boundaries are you need to ask yourself if you have communicated them clearly. Ask yourself, “Do you expect others to be mind readers?”

We cannot simply expect people to mysteriously know and understand what our boundaries are if we have never communicated them. We are in control of how we allow others to treat us, at any time we can tell people the current situation is not working for us.

It may be uncomfortable to explain what your boundaries are, especially if you have been letting people walk all over you for a long time. People may be upset at first. However, if people cannot respect your boundaries then they do not respect you. I don’t mean you must eliminate people from your life immediately for crossing your boundaries. However, if you have communicated them numerous times and they keep being crossed, leaving you feeling constantly upset, then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

Why do you fear boundaries?

Often, we fail to set boundaries because we fear the repercussions, we feel guilty saying no, or we feel as if we will miss out on something when we say no. Many people have not learned to separate themselves from others. They lack self-esteem or their own identity. When we start to think about creating boundaries suddenly thoughts pop up like; What if they get mad? What if they stop talking to me? What if they say no? What if they leave? These feelings have often been ingrained in us from childhood and they will take some inner work to get over them.

What from the past contributes to these feelings?

People who have trouble setting boundaries often were not taught this skill or were taught it was their job to give selflessly. Others have deeper childhood issues that contribute to their struggle with setting healthy boundaries. If you are struggling, I want you to look back at your life and see if others around you set healthy boundaries and if they taught you to do the same. Most likely you will be able to pinpoint where your disordered pattern comes from and then it will be easier to change it. It’s a great subject to add to your journaling practice that I keep suggesting you start.

What are signs your boundaries have been crossed?

Often, we may not realize our boundaries have been crossed. We simply notice the feelings associated with the crossed boundaries. These feelings are often discomfort, lack of energy, and resentment. If you find yourself angry with someone you care about or find yourself resenting them it is a good time to see if your boundaries have been crossed. Other times it is obvious that our boundaries have been crossed and we are immediately hurt or angry.

Who can you talk to when you struggle with boundaries?

If you are unsure of what healthy boundaries are or how to express them then it is a good idea to talk to someone you trust like a friend, family, coach, or therapist.

Remember, it is completely acceptable to start small. No one is expecting you to completely change your life overnight.

I love you all and I am wishing you a prosperous 2021!

Love & Abundance,

Falon